A Story of Grace and Love

Being a black girl from Cincinnati OH and being born from the product of sin: my parents never married but together had three beautiful girls. We had more than enough love and support from my mother, and her side of the family but not much from my father.

My father was an inconsistent floater and was more absent in my life growing up. He lived in many places and never stayed in one and was very unpredictable. Growing up with my mother wasn’t always the best either because she battled with depression my whole life.

Other than the inconsistencies and absence of my father, other things traumatized me as a child: the emotional dysfunctions of my mother, the embarrassment of the dynamic of my family, financial complications and me just being different.

I grew up in the church and my foundation was always Jesus. I just always loved God even at a young age and found myself giving my life to the Lord one day in the bathroom with the guidance of my mother. But I was still violent, filled with anger , being mentally/emotionally unstable and chaotic.

I was always angry, had temper tantrums, and extremely violent. Then suddenly was introduced to sexual behaviors and unexpectedly grew an addiction as a way of finding relief from the stress and pain. This caused me, at the age 14, to give my pearls away. I lost my virginity not looking for love but relief; creating a place of escape and fantasy to get rid of the pain and trying to fill these voids of not feeling beautiful enough, worthy enough, loved, or important.

You can say as I fed my flesh at an early age, a monster inside of me was born. I was dysfunctional, angry, manipulative, violent, broken, toxic, and my femininity was broken. I was traumatized by my circumstances and things that were out of my control, one of these things was seeing all the ways my mother was mistreated, and the way she responded. You see, my mother was more of a non confrontational, reserved spirit who didn’t have much of a voice, and I hated her for it. I hated seeing her go through so many things and I hated the circumstances we were in. It caused me to be the opposite of her, but then becoming a very unhealthy control freak, with a lot of anxiety, rage, pain, and being a sex addict.

I was constantly in relationships that I could control, but ended up trapped being dependent on men and believing that they could fill the void of the love my father never gave and the pain of having heartbreak after heartbreak from multiple men.

I began to get tired of the lies, and never being satisfied and the monster inside of me kept growing. After being sexually assaulted two different times by two different guys in my neighborhood, I couldn’t trust men any longer, not what they said or did nor their intentions. I told no one because I didn’t want to believe that happened to me; because to me it showed I was weak, and the other reason was no one would believe a black girl.

As my pain grew, so did the monster. But surprisingly and ironically I grew more and more with Jesus but never let Him have my heart. I didn’t trust Him or His mysteries. I thought of God and related Him to the men that hurt me. I let God have His way with everything else but my heart, pain, and love life. I felt I could handle those things myself.

Growing up, if you asked me what I wanted to be, it was a wife and mother. That’s all I ever wanted. But I was just a hurt broken black girl wanting to be rescued from pain and loneliness. So, could you imagine the men I chose? Broken little boys, projects to work on so they couldn’t see how messed up I was.

I got tired and I settled more and more until my last relationship with a guy who was broken, and abusive. I almost took my life after we ended the relationship. I was tired! I tried and kept trying but nothing with the men I chose worked for me. They always left, never cared or just lied.

Moments after my suicide attempt, God made His presence so aware to me and spoke to me.

He said “What are you doing? Why are you doing this?”

I responded “Daddy I’m tired…”

He said “I have so much for you to do! I need you to speak for those who can’t speak for themselves! Get up! It’s not your time!”

I kept crying and I just felt God’s presence holding me as I fell asleep there in my car.

I later had two friends take me to the hospital to see if I needed to be on suicide watch.Thankfully, I was released 3 hours later.

The journey didn’t end there, this is where it began. God delivered me from fornication and set me free from that relationship. But now since I didn’t have the sex and men to distract me anymore, I had to deal with the reality of my decisions, past pain and brokenness which was scary and hard, and still is.

But God told me to trust Him, and to live; not just physically but spiritually. He said I would be satisfied with Him if I gave Him everything.

“Let my grace redeem you and let my love transform you. And I will redeem you all the years the swarming locusts stole from you!” (Joel 2:25)

I trusted him and I am still trusting him.

I am currently almost 2 years pure (free of fornication), and single with a healthy relationship with both of my parents, that is still growing. I am living in a whole new city and state and trusting God with my heart and love life. God has redeemed my mind, soul and restored femininity. I’ve been going through Restore groups and counseling and have mentors and overseers who help me in my walk. God has done amazing things in my life and I am the evidence that God can transform and satisfy your needs and heal you. His love for me constantly overwhelms me.

To know that a God who pursues my heart daily and moment by moment no matter what, proved my flesh wrong and broke the yokes of dependency of men from me.

Faith is just like love, it’s not a feeling; it’s a choice of action. Be encouraged, God is preparing me for a season of newness and showing me the plan He had for me all along in every aspect. Let my testifying of God’s goodness touch every reader that God will do what He said He will do for you. If you stand still and let him be God. Peace be with you.

John 11:40 “Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?”

P.S. I am currently writing my book, “She was born for such a time as this: My life through the lens of a modern-day Esther”, I will keep you all posted. Thank you!

Kayla Wiley, a black girl

Kayla Wiley , Age 22

#grace #Testimonies #Faith #love #Bible #Jesus