Abuse In Relationships
- Marie
- Mar 30, 2022
- 5 min read
How To Recognize Abuse in relationship
When we usually talk about abuse in relationships, our mind goes straight to domestic violence, but this is not the only form a toxic relationship can take. Parent-child relationships, employer-employee relationships, teacher-student relationships, pastor-church member relationships, siblings’ relationships etc. All types of relationships that we can be in have the potential to be abusive. To know how to identify abuse in a relationship and what to do about it as a Christian, read on.
What exactly is abuse?
Abuse is when someone uses their power or authority outside of the allotted or authorized parameters. In short, it’s the abnormal use of power or using power in ways beyond its intended purpose.
How to identify an abusive relationship?
At its core, every healthy relationship should reflect the nature and characteristics of God such as patience, kindness, mercy, gentleness, self-control etc. He is the ultimate standard for every healthy relationship.
Is there love?
Any relationship that lacks genuine, Christ-like love is a playground for the enemy and abuse is inevitable.
If the relationship is defined by fear and anxiety with just fleeting moments of “joy”, there’s a problem. These are attributes of Satan, not God. The love of God is consistent, not bipolar.
What is God’s original intention for the relationship and what is His ordained role for everyone involved?
You have to first understand the proper extent and parameters of the other person’s power and authority to know when those boundaries have been breached.
Then examine their actions: do they match what God said or have their motivations become more self-centered with ulterior motives? Do their actions line up with the role they’re supposed to be playing in your life? Do their words match their actions?
And most importantly, what’s the fruit (result) of their action? If they tell you they love you but after 10 years of the relationship, all you have to show is panic attacks every time you hear their voice or black eyes and excuses, there’s some type of abuse going on.
Types of Abuse
Abuse can be emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual. Physical abuse is the one that we can easily pick up on because we see the signs but the other three are just as harmful and can be just as life-threatening.
Examining Parent-Child Relationship:
The Bible establishes the boundaries of a parent’s authority over a child when it says that the parent should train the child in a way that he should go (Proverbs 22:6). It also says “whoever spares the rod hates their children but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24). The Bible then says that parents shouldn’t provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4).
In these verses, we see the words “love”; “careful” and “don’t provoke”…in no way does any of this imply senseless beating. What it does imply however, is loving correction for the purposes of guidance with a sensitivity to the child’s needs. God is basically telling the parents, “because you love your children, correct them in a loving way so that they can know the right path to take in life. Don’t abuse your power by provoking them.”
With this understanding of the right boundaries of a parent, we can now discern that getting drunk and beating your child for no reason is abuse.
Forgiving the Abuser
We established in the previous posts that forgiveness means releasing a person from the consequences of an offense they committed.
What forgiveness does NOT MEAN is enduring continuous abuse and risking your health and ultimately your life. You can forgive a person and distance yourself from the person if they pose a threat.
Do I have to stay in an abusive marriage?
No. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. Marriage is a covenant based on laws and principles established by God that you both agreed to when you came into the marriage.
When one person breaches the contract to love and honor and starts to CONSISTENTLY ABUSE THEIR POWER/position, especially to the point where it becomes life-threatening, you can leave.
I highlighted ‘consistently’ because the Bible tells us that God hates divorce so we shouldn’t be using that as a first option and an excuse to get out of a situation just because “we changed our minds”. We all have weaknesses and issues to work on and as people who come from different backgrounds, we’re going to disagree. You can’t use that as an excuse to jump from marriage to marriage.
We have to use wisdom and discernment in the Holy Spirit.
David and Saul
From the time he killed Goliath all the way up to Saul’s death, David was always on the run because Saul was trying to kill him every chance he got**. For years he ran, yet the Bible doesn’t mention that David held a grudge against Saul.
Instead, he repeatedly prays to God to not only deliver him but to avenge him while he physically did all he could to get away from Saul**. The Bible tells us in 1 Samuel 18:5 that David “behaved wisely” and even when presented with the chance to kill Saul later on, David spared his life because of the Lord.
We can learn a few lessons from David’s toxic relationship with Saul:
David used wisdom in his dealings with Saul because Saul was anointed by God.
He didn’t hold a grudge against Saul because even though he was innocent, he recognized the Lord as the One who has the authority to condemn.
He was focused on staying blameless before God.
Although he did all the above, he ran and stayed away from Saul because his life was in danger.
What happens when we forgive those who abused us?
We honor God- because we tell God that although we may be in the right, we recognize His justice and righteousness above ours so we release that person from our judgment so they can face His.
We recognize God as the only righteous Judge and exalt Him above our pain and hurt. It’s the ultimate form of worship. It’s also this mentality of forgiveness that we ought to develop because we live for the glory of our God in the Kingdom.
We nullify any leverage the devil may have to accuse us.
Healing can take place.
We allow the Lord to fight for us.
Needless to say, God doesn’t take His children getting abused lightly. So if you’re the one abusing a child of God, be warned.
I say all that to say this: Forgiving a person doesn’t mean staying for them to kill you, whether it’s emotionally, spiritually or even physically. You can forgive a person and still distance yourself.
Honor them in their position and remain blameless before God because the Bible tells us that as long “as it depends on us, we should be at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).
What if I’m the abuser in my relationship?
Repent
Ask God for forgiveness
Ask those you abused for forgiveness
Reflect on what causes you to abuse others
Childhood traumas
Triggers
Demonic influence
Go through deliverance and seek help with a professional
Read the Bible to learn the healthy way you should be walking out your role
Conclusion
Any relationship that is not submitted to God is susceptible to abuse. A healthy relationship should reflect God’s nature of love and just as God forgives us of our sins, we should also forgive those who sin against us by abusing us, whether that’s physically, emotionally or spiritually.
**Reference: Read 1 Samuel 17 and onward for the full story of Saul and David and Psalms 17-18 for David’s cry to God during this time of persecution
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